“HEY, ITS-A ME! MARIO THE MURDERING PLUMBER”
Or so PETA would have you believe. This past week PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) took it upon themselves to target a beloved icon of many people everywhere; Super Mario. In the new game “Super Mario 3D Land” The Tanooki Suit from Super Mario Bros. 3 finally makes a come back (unfortunately, this time it isn’t accompanied by an awesome Fred Savage movie.) In the game, as in his usual fashion, he hits a question mark block, out pops A MAGICAL LEAF that Mario then uses to don a MAGICAL Tanooki Suit, which allows him to fly and also turn into a statue…somehow…Harmless, right?
Did you say “Right!”?
Congratulations, you’re equipped with common-fucking sense.
If you’re wondering who might be bat shit crazy enough to say no to that question…here’s what PETA had to say: "When on a mission to rescue the princess, Mario has been known to use whatever means necessary to defeat his enemy - even wearing the skin of a raccoon dog to give him special powers. Tanooki may be just a suit in the game, but in real life tanooki are raccoon dogs who are skinned alive for their fur. By wearing a Tanooki, Mario is sending the message that it is OK to wear fur."
Read that a couple times and allow it to really sink in. Has your brain exploded from the sheer amount of stupidity and ignorance? Because mine almost has. They fail to even comment on the amount of turtles Mario has stomped on and killed over the years, the number of fish and squid he’s set on fire while swimming, or even the torture and forced slavery of a well meaning and hungry dinosaur. I mean, they’ve practically just targeted the video game equivalent of Mickey Fucking Mouse! It's over-reactive bullshit like this that really makes me question the sanity of our society. I hear stories, all the time, of kids who are coddled and babied and told they can always be a winner no matter what; and we all know that's a load of shit. There has to be losers in life, there has to be someone serving our burgers, there has to be someone cleaning our trash, it's the circle of life kids and it's just how the world works. The correct things to tell a child is that they can be happy doing whatever they want, that they can have a good life doing whatever they end up doing. Tell kids the truth. Our world is full of censorship and "Oh god little Billy, don't look at that!", Going green and "Don't kill the poor little animals!" We're becoming soft as a society and it's troubling. That being said, though; It’s almost enough to make me wonder if they’re even serious at all, because, c’mon, is there really anyone this easily offended and this over the top about it? It just seems like someone going out of their way to be this stupid. They’ve even posted a game on their site that has you playing as a skinned Tanooki chasing Mario and trying to get your skin back.
…Yeah, you heard me.
Check out the classiness of Nintendo though, here’s how they responded to the above statement of craziness: “Mario often takes the appearance of certain animals and objects in his games. These have included a frog, a penguin, a balloon and even a metallic version of himself. These lighthearted and whimsical transformations give Mario different abilities and make his games fun to play. The different forms that Mario takes make no statement beyond the games themselves.”
If you ask me, it easily reeks of past publicity stunts. The most recent being the insufferable ICP and their “Fucking Magnets, how do they work?” lyrics. It got everyone talking about them, even a skit on Saturday Night Live making fun of them and laughing at how these two idiots didn’t know how magnets worked! The album with that song went on to be one of the best selling for ICP in years…bad publicity is still publicity nonetheless because it doesn’t matter what they’re saying about you, the fact is that their saying something about you at all. So am I just playing into PETA’s plan? Should I not have wrote this blog at all and ignored it?
…No…because I couldn’t think of anything else to write about at the time. Also I hadn’t written a rant for awhile. Say what you will, but damn it, I’m honest.
Anyway, PETA has since released a statement saying something much to the effect of “HAHA j/k j/k.”: “Mario fans: Relax! Our [PETA’s] game was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, a fun way to call attention to a serious issue, that raccoon dogs are skinned alive for their fur. We wish real-life tanukis could fly or swat enemies away with their tails and escape from those who profit from their skins. You can help them by never buying real fur.” Classic case of Troll’s remorse. They choose the wrong target of their vitriol and there’s an even bigger public outcry than normal so they quickly backtrack. This seems to imply that they were serious and realized their mistake; so again we’re left wondering whether this was all staged or is PETA actually this stupid? Based on their previous wildly crazy press releases, I’d say they’re just trolling for attention and deserve a good old bag of Ignore shoved down their throats.
Of coure, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Also, Tanooki fur is super soft and comfortable...mmmmm.....LOVE IT.
